somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
