shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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