Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize