Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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