Need sex. Gaining weight.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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