My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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