I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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