I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
