Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
