I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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