He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
