My cat gives me a boner
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize