She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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