Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
