i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
