i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
