Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
