The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
