I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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