Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
