the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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