woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
