Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
