some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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