just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
