ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
