So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
