I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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