I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
