we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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