In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
