it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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