just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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