he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
