3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
