I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
