your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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