Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
