I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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