Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I intend to get homeless drunk
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
