I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
