my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
