I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
