good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
