I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
