I wish I could teleport
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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