I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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