So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
