Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize