It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
