It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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