Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
