i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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