You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
