Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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