dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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