i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
