paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
