Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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