That's when you crack a 10am beer
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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