You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My life is pants optional.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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