You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
